Rush3rd's blog

The Many Lives Of Rush Montgomery

More than once I've been in a situation where I could have died.  I've narrowly escaped death against amazing odds enough times to make me wonder how it all happened and why.  It really is kind of uncanny, so I will chronicle the biggest near misses in chronological order.

1. When I was 3 I was hospitalized with pneumonia so bad they didn't think I would make it.  I was hooked to an IV and I was in the hospital for weeks.

2. When I was around 6, I was with my family on our boat watching fireworks.  I was standing near the edge of the boat and some speed boats went past us and I fell overboard.  I had a life jacket on but I remember being under the boat touching the bottom of the boat with my hand and then nothing.  The next thing I remember was laying on the boat coughing up water and crying.

3. When I was around 15, I was walking across a train bridge with some friends.  It was a giant steel bridge and it was - I guess - several feet over a dry lake bed.  It had rained at some point before this and I slipped on the steel and fell over the edge.  At the bottom I fell into a water-filled hole that was just wide and deep enough to catch me.  It was the only such hole in the nearby area.

4. When I was around 18, a friend and I "borrowed" a hang gun and snuck out in the woods with it.  We'd never really shot a handgun before so we thought it'd be cool to take it out and shoot at trees or whatever we could find.  We found a moss-covered log laying across the ground, stood back and fired.  With a loud DING and an explosion next to us, we investigated and soon discovered the sound was a ricochet and this "log" had actually been a metal pipe.  The explosion was a tree next to us that had caught the ricochet, mere feet from where I was standing.

5. When I was around 20, I dropped one of my friends and his girlfriend off at church.  As I went to leave I drove through a stop sign without noticing it and right out into a highway crossing.  I remember the screech of tires and looking up to see the front of a car sliding towards me.  In shock my foot pounded down on the gas, I shot forward and the car narrowly missed the rear of my car.

6. In my early 20s I was robbed twice which working at a Subway sandwich store.  Both times by the same guy and both times at gunpoint.  I count this because I could have died.

I mention all this because lately it seems that - through a series of bad choices - my life has turned out really bad.  Perhaps these weren't near misses.  Maybe I died any one of these times and I just don't realize it yet.  I wouldn't say I've lived the best life, and maybe this is hell.  Maybe my loss of those I loved the most - my grandmother, interaction with my kids, my ex-girlfriend... maybe that's what hell is.  It's a physical life of misery.

I'd like to believe this, because I at least have some feeling that this physical life can be turned around - somehow redeemed - so maybe hell isn't permanent.  Maybe there's hope after all

Life In A Nutshell

"Life is a comedy for those who think... and a tragedy for those who feel." - Horace Walpole

Superman 4 Redux

So did I mention that Superman 4 is retarded?  I mean honestly, what in the world?  It's like they hired a couple of idiot teenagers to write the script.  At one point the evil nuclear Superman clone (yes, I really said that) smashes holes in the Great Wall of China (I kid you not) and Superman flies in and uses some kind of new brick and mortar eye beam to reassemble the fucking wall.  Then he slices off the top of a mountain with his laser eye beams and uses it to plug up an active volcano that is pouring lava into an Italian village.  

Okay, without even thinking about it I'm going to make a list of some of the retarded things that are in Superman 4...

• Greenscreen and flying effects look shoddy
• Nuclear Superman flies away with the Statue of Liberty trying to drop it on New Yorkers (isn't it ironic -- doncha think?)
• Nuclear Superman has long, silver Lee's Press-on Nails
• Superman collects all the world's nuclear weapons in a giant net and slings them into the sun
• Lex Luthor creates Nuclear Superman by launching a piece of Superman's hair into the sun in a capsule, and when he emerges he has a sparkly superhero uniform and everything
• Superman takes Nuclear Superman to the moon and they fight on the surface with the gayest slowmo battle of all time, ending with Nuclear Superman pounding Superman into the moon like a railroad spike.
• Nuclear Superman flies a girl into space, where she can breathe and seems completely unaffected.  Um, hello?  Space is a vacuum, right?

Don't look at me like that.  I'm not making this shit up.

Yeah, it sucks. I could go on by I'd pretty much be typing out the entire script.  I mean go look it up for yourself.  Geez...

Superman 4

...was so completely retarded.  Just thought you'd like to know that.

I <3 Double Dip Television

There are some shows I watch a lot of.  Not because I necessarily love the shows but because sometimes there's nothing better on.  take Family Guy for example.  I'm not a huge fan of Family Guy.  I think it's kind of dull and predictable and the whole thing where they go "Oh that's about as nutty as the time..." and then they cut away to Hitler juggling fish or something... yeah, that gets old and I rarely laugh at it.  But sometimes it's on and I'm sad to report that I've seen pretty much every episode of Family Guy like 15 times.

But anyway, back to the point.  The one thing I do like is most my favorite shows come on with back to back episodes instead of just one.  That 70's Show, Scrubs, Eureka... some others I can't immediately recall.  But it's always cool to have one episode end, still be hungry for more, and have another come on right behind it.  I love that!  Don't you love that?  I love that!

So yeah, I was watching Scrubs... one went off and guess what!  Another one came on!  I know right?

Okay, just thought I'd share that.  And now.... back to Scrubs.  Shadaisy!

Scrubs Diagnosis

I just realized watching Scrubs that if I had multiple personality disorder, I would be most of the cast of Scrubs.  I'm silly and nerdy like J.D., fake macho like Turk, an asshole like Dr. Cox, goofy and insecure like Elliot Reid, weird like the janitor and too often giggle at innuendo like "The Todd".  Watching Scrubs is almost therapeutic because I see so much of myself in all the characters.  I guess that's what makes it one of my favorite shows.

Sometimes Words Get In The Way

Too much can be said, when less is more.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

START WITH PART ONE : A Lie Is Self Destruction

Ok, so I've said a lot here about lies and justification, so now let me talk about recovery.  When you analyze the nature of lying as it relates to your own lifestyle, this leads you towards recovery.  They say the first step to recovery is admission of the problem.  This is often not as easy as it sounds.  There have been a lot of lies and you know that full disclosure of those lies would end up hurting people even more.  Although it would be more desirable to confront those you have hurt, be open and honest with them about what has occurred and apologize for your carelessness, it's not at all an easy thing to do.  Often the lies have been so structured and complex that you can be afraid of what they'll say or do in rebuttal, or - even worse - what they'll say or think about you as a person.  And ultimately you worry about how much more it will hurt them if the lies were revealed as what they really were.

The good news here is in order to reach a place of peace, the main things you have to focus on is putting right those flaws in your own nature that create this web of lies, and also put your shortcomings before God and ask for His forgiveness and help in strengthening the nature of your character.  I went through this process and it does work.  There is something therapeutic about admitting this disease and it strengthens the soul to feel yourself fight against your very nature.  It is said that God despises a liar.  The first liar in the Universe was Satan, who lied to Eve and spiraled mankind into darkness and despair.  If the devil himself is the king of liars and the cause and source of lies, how loved is a liar in the Kingdom of Heaven?  I would think not so much.  But the admission of these lies before God, asking for forgiveness and moving yourself into a place where there can be real honesty is several large steps in the direction of real peace and happiness in this life.

So yeah, I look holier then thou.  I look like some idiot preaching on about the nature of God and forgiveness - a hypocrit that is certainly in no authority to be talking about change and forgiveness.  My role here is not as judge and jury, because I don't have the power or authority to wrestle those rights and function from God Himself.  He is our judge and although lies are targeted towards individuals or organizations on this earth, they are merely the affected parties and they themselves cannot judge your true worth.  That is solely up to God and He alone.

So don't think I'm up on some soapbox going "You're all sinners and destined for hell".  God said to "Judge not, lest ye be judged" and this is true enough.  If I were here truly saying that you're all liars and destined for hell - a hell of your own making - then sure, that would leave me open for the same judgement.  Being judgemental puts you in a position of being judged, and God made it very clear that it wasn't our right or privilege to lay judgement on others "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God".  My sins may not revolve around lying to people, but I am a sinner, there is no doubt.  I could not very well point out the splinter in someone else's eye when there is a log in mine.  My only real message here is that lies themselves are more dangerous then anyone ever gives credit to, and removing them from your personality can truly lead to a place of deeper peace - a peace I wish for every one of you.

Justification : The Remainder Of Lies

So the last topic I covered was the nature of my lies.  So when you finally reach a place where you decide that in order to have real things in life, you have to BE real, it's a hard process to break the cycle.  You decide that lying in all forms is self-defeating, you can't just resolve to stop lying to others, you also have to pick out the thorns in your side that are causing you to lie to yourself.  I lost a lot of really great things in my life early on and I have to sit back and question just how my life would have turned out differently if I had decided early on to be better than my nature and if I'd truly been able to understand that lies were self-defeating.  This leads back to the "they'd do it to me" or the "they deserve it for reason X" or "No one's being hurt by this" or living under the false assumption that lying to someone was giving them what they wanted.

After I began to strip out the lies, life started to become easier.  I found that if I was truly open and honest with people, the burden on my soul was eased tremendously.  Sure there were cases where people lied to me - I knew they were lies - but that was on them.  The lies hurt me, but not nearly as much as if I'd fallen back into the trap and started lying as a recourse for their actions.  I call it a trap because in these instances it's real easy to say "Well they're doing it, so they deserve it" but this is never a punishment for this person, it's falling back into self-defeat.  If someone I know were an alcoholic and they came to my house and cursed me and stole stuff and hurt me in their actions, the last thing I'd do is become an alcoholic so I could go to their house and repay the favor.  Who have I hurt there?  Sure they get a taste of their own medicine, but in doing this I've subjected myself to the sin and self-destruction of becoming exactly what they were : unreasonable, belligerent, angry and damaged.

But the nature of mankind is lies and deception.  I'm not saying all people are liars, but all people lie in some form.  Whether you lie to yourself or lie to others, everyone lies in one form or another.  Sometimes it's an attempt to be helpful to others.  When someone is ravaged by disease or illness, we might lie to them and tell them everything will be ok, when we know for a fact they won't.  Whether or not these "white lies" are wrong, I can't say.  I am not the judge of human condition, merely an observer, and whether or not we say these things, it all boils down to justification.

I still have a problem with justification.  Sometimes it's hard for me to admit that I'm wrong, and I have to say it's not solely about thinking I am always right, but mostly because I can often find ways to justify why I think I'm right.  In the moment, it's easy to think you are right about a certain fact, because you've justified the reasons why you would be right.  Even though I've tried my best to stop the careless act of blatantly lying to people about things, I still have issue with lying to myself that my words or actions are justified.  This, I've found, is often just as bad.  Justification for actions which aren't fully correct are just a watered-down form of lying.  Justification in an effort to rationalize why you have to be correct about a given topic or argument is really no different than lying to someone and saying "they deserve it because...".

So whether you lie or not is a matter of your own mind.  No one can say "Hey, you're lying and you need to change it because you're hurting yourself" because those are words that can't be heard.  They just can't be processed.  If someone back in the day had said "Look I know you're lying and you need to quit" my immediate reaction would have been "No I'm not", because when you're trapped in that pattern of fail, it's much easier to cover lies with lies.  It's easier to lie to the person and tell them you're not lying and also lie to yourself to the point where you can justify it and think those lies are a necessary form of interaction.

A Lie Is Self-Destruction

When I was younger I used to lie.  It was a matter of nature.  I was a liar.  I'd lie about who I was, what was going on in my life, what I had, what I'd done, who I knew.  I'd lie about problems to get attention, I'd lie about events in my life to get sympathy, I'd lie about what I was going to do to appease those who asked me for things.  I was a liar in my nature and in my heart and since it always appeared to move me in a place that improved my existence, it seemed that lies were a good thing.  No one really knew that I was lying most the time, so what did it really hurt?  If I wanted attention, I could lie to get that attention and then the need was covered.  This seemed like a good thing, as it was a simple case of supply and demand.  I wanted something, I lied to someone and I got it.

The problem with this is two-fold.  First of all, when you lie so effortlessly, you start to question the nature of those around you.  How can you have real trust and real peace in your heart when your lie appears to be reflected in those around you?  How could you really know you could trust someone - really know others were real - when you were full aware how easy it was to fabricate anything.  It was almost a prideful thing to be able to tell someone something and have them trust you completely, even offering up love, support and attention because of the lie?

The second problem is you really can't trust anyone.  Your life begins to become empty because of the old adage "Bird of a feather flock together".  A liar (even a reformed one) knows a liar.  It's like a scent that is given off.  Lying is a psychological process that has tell-tale signs.  If the pistons in your car rattle, you know it's a problem with the pistons.  You've heard them rattle before in the past, maybe in other cars, so the signs are easy to see.  Having been a liar it's compounded even more by the fact that you've BEEN those pistons.  You understand WHY they rattle on a much deeper level because you can empathize with them.  Knowing that they're failing is one thing, but understanding the very reasons they're failing is another thing altogether.

In my early 20s I was struck with an epiphany.  My lies may be affecting others in negative ways.  I was causing stress on others for no reason.  If I lied about problems then people in my life who truly cared about me as a person were suffering on my behalf over nothing.  There was no problem.  There was no turmoil in any real sense, but it was very much real to those on the receiving end of those lies.  And although I may have been pleased by the attention received from my actions, I had never given full weight to the fact that others were hurting on my behalf.  I also realized that the compounded nature of my lies was hollowing out my soul.  There's a very good reason why one of the Ten Commandments is "Thou shalt not lie".  Lies are a poison that corrodes the very structure of our souls and build into a dark resin which permeates all other actions and interactions with others.  It had been easy to go through life on a day-to-day basic saying "Well this person deserves these lies because..." or "No one even knows these are lies so...", but I knew they were.  God knew they were.  And so even those "white lies" that meant nothing at the time, opened the doorway to larger lies and stitched together a complex web of deception that finally broke through the wall of denial I had constructed around my heart and crashed down on top of me.

I often thought lies were easier on the people I interfaced with.  If I didn't want to attend a party, I just didn't want to hurt the person by saying I didn't want to go, so I'd say "Oh my grandmother is sick".  The problem there is that the person - who really was a true friend - would spend time worrying about me and my grandmother and would enjoy the party less.  On top of that, it would become a topic at the party and a lot of people would be really bummed out for my sake and call and check on me and worry and it would grow and expand.  What's worse, it would then reflect back on me and I'd end up having to manage this complex lie structure and it would literally wear me out trying to keep all the frayed ends of my lie intact.  Also, without fail, my grandmother would really become sick and I just KNEW in my heart (whether actual or not) that I was somehow responsible.

And now comes the problem.  We live in a society today where people have the "what does it matter?" ideal. "My life is crap so screw them."  "They'd do it to me."  Or they're truly in such a bad place that lies are all they have left.